


Fear

by orphan_account



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Angst, Car Accidents, Character Death, Fear, How Do I Tag, M/M, Memory Loss, Sad Ending, Suicide Attempt, Two Shot
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-20
Updated: 2020-02-29
Packaged: 2021-02-27 18:33:11
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 6,181
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22810276
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: Jaemin doesn't want to be forgotten by the love of his life.Renjun doesn't want to forget the person who loves him the most.Maybe, they share a same fear.
Relationships: Huang Ren Jun/Na Jaemin
Comments: 14
Kudos: 27





	1. What can i do

**Author's Note:**

> Hi, this is my first time writting a fics so there may be mistakes. If u think i need to fix or add more tags, plz tell me.  
> Hope u enjoy.
> 
> Song for this :  
> Letting go - Day6
> 
> Here is the vietnamese translation by KieNiceforTwo

Anthazagoraphobia ( n ) : The fear of being forgotten, ignored, or replaced  
;

The phone rings at 7.00am every day. It is not an alarm like people expect, but it is a phone call. Renjun slowly reaches the phone on the table next to him and the name ‘Nana’ appears on it.

“Renjun ah, did you have a good sleep?”. Jaemin’s sweet voice on the signal. Renjun feels familiar but also strange when he hears this. 

“Umh, hi. You are?”, Renjun replies.

“You probably don’t remember me and remember reading the note that I told you, right? It’s fine. Look to your right, on the wall, there are note.”

Renjun does like Jaemin told him to do. There are lots of notes in different colors and pictures. Renjun steps out of his bed, inspects to those photographs. There is him and another person smiling. Next to it is a Polaroid of him and still that person. The hand writing is a little bit hard to read so of course it is not Renjun’s:

“1 year past since that time then. Every moment with you is so extraordinary. You are always there for me and make me smile. Let’s be together for forever, please? Because I don’t think I can survive without you a day. Love you <3  
Your Nana”

Renjun feels something after viewing it. It hurts him. He tries to recall what took place. Renjun looks over and repeatedly those pictures, look at his smile. The memories are there. It just that Renjun can’t get those. It has blank.

“Injunie, are you there?” Jaemin speaks.

“What are these? Who is it in the pictures? What happened before?”

“You don’t recognize me then. It’s okay. So, I will start again. I’m Na Jaemin and I’m your boyfriend. You may not understand anything so I am gonna explain for you.”

From the other dial, Jaemin calmly tell Renjun about the relationship and everything. He tells Renjun how they met, how they fall into each other. Jaemin was a transfer student back then, and he met Renjun in the library. And the story started from there. They became boyfriends after Jaemin’s confession. Jaemin says that it was the best time of his entire life. Then, every moment of Jaemin has Renjun. They held hands in summer and winter. They hugged each other and watched the stars in a starry night. Jaemin laughs throughout the book and he seems grateful. But the more Renjun hears, the more his head hurts. Renjun wants to recall all of those pleasant memories but there is something stopping him. It seems like Renjun’s memory is then replaced by a blank space.

“Jaemin, do you explain me the story everyday like this?’ Renjun asks when Jaemin ends.

“Yesterday and the time before, you again asked me this same question,” Jaemin sighs, “I tell you that every day. And hope that one day, you can recognize me, even a little .”

;

Jaemin wakes up at 6.55am every morning. He takes his phone and calls his ‘darling’ at 7. It becomes a routine so long ago, that Jaemin can’t forget. Even the day before, he had to study until 3am, he will wake up at 6.55am. 

Renjun will always pick up his phone, although to Renjun, Jaemin is just a stranger. Like every day, Jaemin tells the story. And just like normal, he will have tons of the same questions about what happened to them. Jaemin will answer and mark on his calendar a sad icon. Those questions are the same that Jaemin even knows what Renjun is going to ask. It is a routine to him, but not to Renjun. But there is a thing that changes in their conversation. The day.

“How long have I been like this?” Renjun asks.

“Today is the day 1613,”, Jaemin answers.

“Do I need to remember anything more?”

“There is. Please, remember me.”

The phone ends like that. Jaemin tries to hold his emotions when he is talking to Renjun. He throws his phone on the table and lies on the bed. It is so hopeless. Day 1613. And nothing changes. 

People has memories. Both Renjun and Jaemin have those. But Renjun lost everything in his long dream. And Jaemin can’t do anything. With Renjun, Jaemin means nothing much because to him, there is nothing left about Jaemin. But with Jaemin, Renjun is everything.

;

5 years ago, Renjun met an accident. A car hit him while he was walking on the street. Jaemin remembers, that day, they went to the cinema to watch the new movie. Jaemin was busy after that, so Renjun went home alone. And when Jaemin just got home, his phone rang. ‘Darling’ appeared, so he happily picked up. But at that moment, he never known that it would be worse call ever.

Jaemin ran to the hospital. He saw the white door. That’s all. After a while, Winwin–Renjun’s brother also came. They waited for the moment the door opened. It was so cold. Every second gone by and it was still the same. Jaemin felt blank. Finally, the doctor walked out. He told them that the situation was quite serious. They tried their best to do what they could for Renjun. But it seemed to take a long period for him to recover and be normal again.

Jaemin stayed awake that night, in fear. It scared him that the doctor would shake his head when he came out again. It felt like everything just stopped.  
In the morning after that, the doctor said that Renjun was fine enough. His heartbeat was working like it should be and Renjun could move to the normal room. Winwin did the paper work for Renjun. After a few hours, Jaemin could meet Renjun. He saw the love of his life there, wearing white uniform for a patient, lying on the bed. Renjun just looked like he was having a beautiful dream.

A week passed by and Renjun’s eyes were still closed. His heart was fine, but he wasn’t. Jaemin came to the hospital day-to-day. He sat next to the bed and told Renjun many things. And waited for Renjun to wake up.

3 months gone by quickly. On a sunny day, Renjun revived. Jaemin was so happy. He had waited for the moment. He thought that he had lost Renjun. The doctor came in and told Winwin and Jaemin that Renjun needed to be in the hospital for 1 more week, just to be sure that he had totally recovered.  
Jaemin walked in the room in excitement. He wanted to hug Renjun. But Renjun was scared. He didn’t recognize Jaemin. Winwin had to calm him down. That hurt Jaemin a lot. He asked the doctor, and the doctor said that the accident may cause some minor to his brain so he could forget few things. However, he shall be fine soon. Jaemin believed in that back then.

When the news that Renjun had recovered, many friends went to the hospital to see him. There were Jeno, Donghyuck, Chenle and Jisung—their best friends. The surprising thing was that Renjun knew all of them. He could recognize and talk freely to them. Jaemin stood outside and saw them laughing and gossiping. He wanted to join, but Renjun felt uncomfortable whenever Jaemin was there. He wanted to believe that they would get along soon.  
After 6 days, Renjun got home. Jaemin went to the apartment where Renjun and Winwin live every afternoon. He met Renjun, and he was happy because Renjun wasn’t scared anymore. He thought that the situation was getting better.

Fate doesn’t like them at all, Jaemin can tell now. After a week, then 2 weeks, then a month, Renjun still had no idea of who Jaemin is. The really special thing is that Renjun can talk about what he did yesterday, who he met and what he ate. But there would be no Jaemin in it, even if Jaemin came there and stayed with him for hours. It seems like the place that Renjun keeps his memories with Jaemin has a black hole. And it is eating all the good things that Renjun wants to remember. It hasn’t stopped yet and Jaemin thinks that it will never be full.

At first, Jaemin believed that Renjun would be fine. But he started to lose hope. Jaemin had heard about magical stories where people would find each other, no matter what. He had read fairytales where the princess and the prince gonna live happily forever. He knew that those are just imagination. Those are unreal. But Jaemin still has faith in those, like how he hopelessly hopes that one day, Renjun would know him and hug him like before.

;

Today is day 1901. Jaemin makes a call like usual. He also calls Winwin to ask Winwin to convince Renjun to hang out with him. It is hard to ask Renjun because Renjun doesn’t know Jaemin, but Renjun will listen to Winwin. Jaemin really appreciates Winwin because he has helped Jaemin with many things.

In the afternoon, Jaemin and Renjun go to the shopping mall for a few hours. They don’t talk much. They just walk side to side over shops and stores. Then they go to the park near Renjun’s home and sit on the bench. The cool wind in fall past through them. Jaemin looks at Renjun and he wants to hug Renjun with both of his arms. He misses that feeling, miss the sweet voice and that cute smile.

“Renjun ah, if one day, I don’t call you and tell you to look at those pictures, nothing will change, right? We will just live like normal people on Earth, like how we should be. Oh, no, only you can do that. Everything will be just the same to you. You will continue living and I will be just a stranger. Probably that is what Fate wants us to be,” Jaemin stops, and he resumes, “I’m getting tired, Renjun ah. 1900 days. Nothing changes. You can’t remember my voice or even an image of who I am. I still stupidly believe in us, believe that I can do it. I still believe in the miracle, in the magic that I shouldn’t believe in the very first day.”  
Renjun responds nothing back to Jaemin. There is the silence between them. Jaemin is sitting next to Renjun, but he feels like the distance from him to his love is thousand miles away. 

“Injunie, if one day, you don’t see my call, just continue your life like usual, okay? Just live the life that you deserve. You won’t have to spend your time listening to me, a stranger, telling a love story that seems to be a product from my imagination. In your mind and your life, there will be no Jaemin,” Jaemin exhales “Why am I saying this? Tomorrow, you gonna forget this conversation, forget what we did and forget me,” Jaemin turns to see Renjun and holds Renjun’s hands “You don’t have to remember me. Just know that there is a person who loves you more than everything.”

Jaemin stands up and smiles, “Let’s go home. Winwin-hyung gonna worry for you”. Renjun does nothing. So Jaemin taps Renjun’s shoulder “Injunie, are you fine?” Jaemin lowers his head to see Renjun’s face. Tears are all over his face.

“ Renjun ah, don’t cry. I’m sorry. I’m really sorry. I shouldn’t have said those stupid words. I’m sorry. Please, don’t cry,” Jaemin quickly sweeps his hands over those tears. He freaks out because he has never seen Renjun crying like this. Jaemin saw Renjun crying once when they watched a sad movie. But that is different from this. Jaemin doesn’t know what to do. He sits back down the bench and holds Renjun’s hand. Probably he should wait until Renjun feels fine.  
Jaemin feels the pain when he sees Renjun right now. Every heavy breath that Renjun breathes in and out. It hurts. He shouldn’t have said those. He didn’t know that Renjun would be affected. It takes a while for Renjun to calm down and speaks to him. 

“Jaemin, Jaemin ah. I’m sorry. I didn’t know I was that important. How can I forget a person who loves me with all of his heart? I’m sorry. It must be a hard time. You didn’t have to apologize to me. I cried because I was so emotional when I heard those. It was so heart-breaking. In the morning, when I picked up the phone and heard everything, I didn’t believe it. I asked my brother, and he told me what happened. I’m sorry,” Renjun looks into Jaemin’s eyes “I hope that one day, I will be able to recall all those memories. I hope tomorrow, when I wake up, I still remember who you are. I hope that the day you leave, my heart will be hurt so I know that I have lost a really special person, the one that love me more than everything,” Renjun opes his arms to hug Jaemin.

That feeling, the thing that Jaemin has always dreamt for. He embraces Renjun with both of his arms. They hold on to each other like that, feel the warmth that can warm them in the winter or even the coldest day. Renjun feels small in Jaemin’s arms. He thinks he just needs Jaemin to protect him for the rest of his life. It feels safe and peaceful in his embracement.

“Let’s go home,” Jaemin says.

When they are at Renjun’s apartment, Renjun asks him “Will you come tomorrow? You will still call me, right?”

“Of course I will” Jaemin smiles “Goodnight. Have a sweet dream.”

;

The morning after that day, Jaemin calls Renjun like every other days. But he is more positive today. He looks at the calendar with many marks on it and hope that today, he won’t have to touch the pen anymore. Renjun quickly appears on the phone.

“Hi Injunie,” Jaemin says

“Umh, excuse me, what’s your name?” Renjun’s voice makes him feels lost. Jaemin should have known this would happen. He shouldn’t put too much hope on what happened yesterday. Those words only last for that moment. 

“Umh, ah, I’m Jaemin,” Jaemin tries to answer in the most natural voice that he can.

“Do I know you? Your name sounds a bit too strange for me,” Renjun replies.

Jaemin takes in a deep breath “I’m your boyfriend, actually. Let me tell you everything again.”

After an hour, the call ends. Jaemin lies on his bed and he cries. He cries out loud and his tears keep falling. Jaemin is desperate. Extremely desperate. Why is Fate being so hard on them? Jaemin just wants to be loved by the person that he loves the most. But now that person even doesn’t remember his name.

Jaemin wonders if that day, he went home with Renjun, there would be no accident and they would be just happy like those old days. If that day, he hadn’t gone too quickly for his part-time job, he could have saved Renjun. It is ‘if’ and he can’t change anything now, despite everything he does. 

‘ Should I give up?’ Jaemin asks himself a thousand times like that, but he never received the answer.

;

The Sun is bright on the clear sky today. Jaemin just opens his eyes, and he looks at the clock. 6.55am. Like how it should be. He takes his phone and goes to the contact list, finding his ‘darling’. The name is there. Jaemin almost clicks it. But he hesitates. He closes and opens his eyes. Then he exits the contact list and goes to his gallery. There are so many pictures of them. Jaemin sees each of those again, although he has seen for thousands of time already.

His lips are always a curve in those photos. The smile that hasn’t been on his lips since that day. The real happy smile that he found whenever Renjun was next to him. Jaemin accidently fall into the memories of the old days. When will he have those days again? The days he can freely laugh, when he can experience those hugs and hear the sweet honey voice saying his name.

Jaemin looks at the calendar. Today is day 2006. He opens his wardrobe and takes out the old calendars. The first sign was almost 6 years ago, 2017. It is 2023 now and they are 23 years old. It is a long time, a really long time.

Jaemin remembers when his family moved here, he was 13. At school, the first person he sat next to was Donghyuck. Donghyuck was talkative and now he is still like that. Then he met his first crush and also his first love–Renjun–at the city’s library. He met their close friends and got along with them. Those were the old days that he wants to live again.

Jaemin remembers the feeling when he stood in front of Renjun and confessed to him. He shook when he was waiting for the answer. When Renjun answered, Jaemin was so grateful. He had an insomnia that night because he was too excited. Not everyone can have their first crush as their first love and not everyone can taste the sweets when they are 16. It is amazing. 

Jaemin looks up and finds himself alone in the room. His tears are falling out of his eyes. He feels lonely and sad. Many people asked him how he could do the routine every day for 3 years, then 5 years. Some of them told him to give up and start a life without Renjun. Jaemin just can’t. It isn’t that easy to let go all the memories of his youth. People say that life is short, so enjoy everyday before you go. Make your life become something memorable and you will not regret it when you leave the world. But to Jaemin, everything isn’t perfect without Renjun. It feels wrong.

Jaemin has known Renjun for 10 years and he spends 6 years just to make the person he loves the most recognize him.

;

Day 2007. Jaemin waited for the phone to ring but nothing happened yesterday. He was right. If one day, he doesn’t call Renjun, everything is just gonna be the same. There will be no miracle that can help him. Maybe it is the time to give up and let things go. 

Jaemin had thought about this every time he had an insomnia. However, in the morning after that, he would make a call like usual again. Today is the first time in 6 years that he wants to stay silence. 

He feels tired. The conversation starts to be shorter than it used to be. Jaemin can’t do it anymore. There is a scar in his heart that keeps getting bigger whenever Renjun asks who Jaemin is. It is killing him from deep inside. His heart bleeds, and it seems like there is nothing to bleed anymore.

People wait for 2 years when they go to the military. Those people can’t see their love or touch them. But Jaemin can. He can see Renjun when they hang out with their best friends. He can accidently touch Renjun’s hands. But his heart can’t reach Renjun’s. Jaemin tried everything he could. He went to the Doctor to ask about the situation and had medicine for Renjun. He prayed to all the God to help Renjun. But none of them listens to him.

Jaemin decides to go out and enjoys the new movie in the cinema. He wants to be free from his worries and his life. He steps slowly on the street at night, seeing other couples hands in hands. 

Jaemin feels the tears going out of his eyes again, everything starts to blur. He sits on the bench and lowers his head because Jaemin doesn’t want people to look at him. In that moment, Jaemin realises that he should give up. Whatever he does, it doesn’t help him bring the memories back. Jaemin is exhausted because of those days. 

Jaemin wonders about his life without Renjun. He recognizes that it will not change much. He just doesn’t have to call Renjun every day. That’s all. Jaemin will live the life like normal. 

There is no way to become the 16-years-old Jaemin again. Jaemin is stuck with the beautiful past that he wants to live. And he can’t move forward. It is depressing. Jaemin didn’t want to face the painful truth that Renjun will never remember him. But now he must face it. Jaemin lost in the fight between him and Fate to have Renjun. He is helpless.

Jaemin takes the Polaroid inside his old wallet. They took it on their first date. Jaemin smiles while his eyes are on the Polaroid. He looks at it for a few minutes and stands up. Jaemin holds the polaroid in his hand and starts walking. He knows what to do now.

Jaemin walks a long distance that he even doesn’t know where he is right now. It is already 22.00pm. There are only some cars on the street left. Jaemin stops a little, looking everything surround him and then continues walking. But now, his steps are quicker and Jaemin seems to be in a hurry. Then he suddenly stops.  
There are so many thoughts in his head right now. Every memory pass through his mind. Both happy and sad. Jaemin sees the light, and he closes his eyes for a second.

Renjun lost all while he has all.

It has been so long.

What’s the reason to be like this?

It is too late to start a new life already.

Just go.

When Jaemin opens his eyes, he sees the light almost in front of him. Jaemin reaches his hand to touch it, like a baby with curiosity about new things.  
Jaemin hears something. His name. By the corner of his right eye, he sees Renjun. The person he has waited for years is standing there, shouting out the name that Jaemin thought he would never hear again:

“JAEMIN AH!”

Jaemin smiles. The brightest smile that he could give. And everything in front him fade into the darkness.  
;


	2. i'm fine ( help me )

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jaemin is hopeless, but he finds a way to get out of this mess.

Jaemin blinks once, then twice. His vision came back and that man is shouting at him for standing infront of his car. The traffic light turned green without Jaemin’s knowing and he is there, in the middle of the street, feeling blank. He quickly nods his head for an apologize and passes the street, his eyes scan around the area, looking for that voice. But there is no one. Everything is just from his imagination because Jaemin is too hopeless.

He goes home. The house is still like that, comfortable and feels like home. He takes off his clothes and sinks himself in the bathtub, closing his eyes and lets the cold water slowly eats him. It is midnight and Jaemin is shivering because of the coldness that he makes. He starts to feel numb, his body doesn’t feel like his anymore. But he doesn’t want to get out, Jaemin wants to be inside his bathtub, listens to the crying that his skin is trying to tell him and thinks about how his heart could survive in the past with this.

After knowing that he can’t die like this, Jaemin uses all of his strength to lift the body that is barely his out of the bathtub, dries it and takes in a cup of hot tea. Then, he goes to sleep.

Sweat is all over him, his breath is heavy and his eyes are wide, Jaemin is trying to calm down with his shaking hands. The car just crashes him into pieces and he can smell his own fresh blood in his nightmare. He looks around, telling himself that he is at home, nothing is going to happen. He lies down his bed, attempts to fall asleep but he can’t.

;

The next day, Jaemin is a real panda because of his eyes bags. He is too exhausted and Jaemin is doing his best to get rid of the routine. He doesn’t want to do it anymore. It hurts his sleep, his health and his heart. But his body doesn’t listen to him and so does his phone. When the routine had been there for too long, it is too hard to delete it. 

In the end of the day, Jaemin found himslelf trying not to think about Renjun. He has already decided to forget him. Jaemin takes all of the pictures and letters, presents and a stuffed bunny, puts them into a bag and leaves it there. He knows that it is going to be difficult not to remember someone that you have always called for the past 6 years. But he has to try because there is no other way to get out of the darkness of his heart.

The next morning, he goes to a field, drags the bag with him, lights his cigarette. The bitterness stucks inside his throat, the smoke gets out of his mouth, into the air and disappears. He stands there, feels the wind on the empty field and starts. He pulls out the photographs, looks at them one by one and burn those. He burns everything that is related to Renjun, everything. Jaemin can’t just wake up every morning and sees Renjun smiling on the wall and the marked calendar next to his side. His eyes reflect the burning things on fire and his heart is also burning. Jaemin puts his memories within those and hopes that fire can carry them faraway from him :

“Renjun ah, seems like I must let you go. I’m so sorry. I’m sorry, my Injun. But I can’t continue my life like this, I can’t. You are happy, without me. So, I should let you enjoy your life. Goodbye, Renjun” and Jaemin leaves.

Jaemin falls asleep at 3am in the morning with the music still running on his phone which is Letting go by Day6, a song that he loves :

I've been holding on to you for so long

But now I must let go

There's nothing I can do for you

It's the only way to make you happy

So I let, let go, let go

;

A week later, Jaemin goes to the graveyard, where his parents left him. That day, Jaemin was just 15 when a drunk man and his stupid car hit them. Jaemin and his aunt ran to the hospital but they were not there anymore. At the age of 15, Jaemin wore the black outfit in the funeral with his swollen eyes. He hates the hospital, where everyone he loves leave him without saying anything. 

His parents’ graveyard is full of dust and the ground below is covered with moss. Jaemin carefully cleans it, places flowers for them

“Hi dad, hi mom, how are you doing on Heaven ? I know there is no Heaven but I’ll just ask. I’m doing fine. I’m trying to forget Renjun. Do you think I can ever do it ?” Jaemin leans onto the graveyard “Life has been tough to me. It always has since you left. I don’t know what to do now. Have you ever stucked like this ? Please tell me. I miss you guys so much. There is an empty slot here. I think that it is for me, don’t you think so ? Hope that I can meet you soon. Bye dad, bye mom” Jaemin packs things and leaves.

;

Jaemin is sitting on the bench, in his hand is an unfinished cigarette. The sky is already dark, the cool wind is going around and rain starts to fall. Jaemin can see people running around to hide from it. He stays the same, lets his shirt absorbs all of those.

“Are you crying because you feel pity for me ? After all the pain you gave me ? I prayed to you, hundred of times but you didn’t care” He murmurs to himself “Can you, please, bring him back to me ?”

Rain hasn’t got better yet, but worse. It becomes heavier and Jaemin starts to shake, like how it was in the bathtub. His clothes are all soaked. Raindrop lands on his head and runs down his face. Suddenly, somehow there is no rain anymore.

“Umh, I saw you from the convenient store and you are getting wet so I bought an umbrella so you can go home” Renjun tells him, hands him an umbrella “it’s yours. Also, you should get medicine because I think that you are gonna have a flu tomorrow”

Renjun is standing infront of him. Fate jokes at him, again. The familiar figure that he has wanted to hug, the sweet voice he has wanted to hear his name. Renjun has always been the warm-hearted. He always told Jaemin to eat properly, took care of him when he was sick. Renjun was the only one left, but now he is gone.

“Thank you, Renjun” Jaemin takes the umbrella, opens it and stands up “You also should get home, Winwin-hyung is going to worry about you” and he quickly walks away.

“Hey, why do you know my name ? and my brother ? What’s your name ? Do I know you ?” Renjun asks from behind but Jaemin just ignores those because if he answers the questions, his heart is going to be broken.

;

One day, two day then a week, Jaemin finds himself missing Renjun, again. He can’t help it but also doesn’t want to delete it. He holds his phone, playing game to distract himself, but he can’t. His mind doesn’t listen to him, or he doesn’t want it to. 

Jaemin throws his phone on the floor, all over again until it breaks into useless metal thing. He just recognizes what he was doing. Jaemin is angry about himself, angry how he can’t get rid of it. He is stupid, too useless and too helpless. Jaemin used to blame all the Gods because they didn’t do his wish. He accused that drunk men for hurting his love. In the end, he realised that the one that he should have blamed is himself. 

His hands are over his knees and tears are over his face. His loud sob echoes in the room until he is too tired to cry anymore.

;

On another rainy day, Jaemin is staying at home, looking out the window. He hasn’t left his home for a month. He ate food from the refrigerator, didn’t come out even there was nothing left. Jaemin doesn’t want to do anything. He is bored from his life.

Jaemin knows people say that there is always a reason to live for. To many, it can be that their idols are coming back with an album next week and that is a reason. To others, it can be that the movie that is going be on the cinema next day. It can be anything, people say, it is there and we don’t have to find them. But, so far, Jaemin hasn’t found any reason. He used to have hope but it has all gone with the fire. He used to believe in magic but his belief betrayed him. Even the God didn’t listen to him.

Why would Jaemin need to live ? Or to be alive ? No one can answer that, even him. If his parents were here, maybe they would know but thay are all gone. It doesn’t seem like Renjun is going to recognize him tomorrow or in centuries. It doesn’t seem like the next morning he wakes up, Renjun will call him ‘Nana’. Jaemin knew it long ago, but he was scared to accept it. The longer he is breathing, the more it hurts. If living hurts him, Jaemin guesses he should stop it then.  
Jaemin is lying in his bathtub without any water, the smoke comes out from his mouth, leaving the bitterness slowly spreads inside his throat. Death – his beloved friend is sitting next to him. He hands Jaemin the knife :

“I’ll be waiting for you” Death whispers into his ear and leaves.

Jaemin looks at his knife and changes the look to his wrist. He slowly pushes the knife down, a drop of blood comes out and falls on the floor. He pushes harder, breaking his vein, blood floods out onto the floor, marking it red. Jaemin stops and breathes heavily. It is aching him, makes him suffers. He takes a deep breath, closes his eyes and cuts it. A loud moan escapes his mouth because of the wound. It is burning him. Tears start to run out of his eyes. The wounds are bleeding, the color red is all over the white tiled floor and the scent of blood is in the air.

Jaemin feels it aching and whines when it is too hurt. The feeling is tearing Jaemin apart, makes him want to chop off his own wrist. He can’t lift his arm anymore. It is numb. Jaemin sits there, places the knife on his lap, blood drops and makes red circles on his pants. He is gasping but the smile appears when Jaemin sees his friend. Death is a good friend of his. Jaemin tried to find him but Death rejected him few times and told him to live and enjoy a little bit more. Finally, Death accepted him, properly because he has suffered too much. And at least, Death knows his name. 

“Jaemin, everything is gonna be fine. It won’t hurt anymore. Hold my hand and we will get out of here, out of your memories and get rid of everything” Death opens his bony hand and Jaemin puts his cold hand on his “Do you have any regret ?”

“No, no, I don’t” Jaemin weakly replies.

“Let’s go then” Death says.

;

Jaemin is found a week later. Everyone is shocked. He is lying peacefully, the smile is still there. Blood has dried, the knife is on his lap. They find a polaroid which is covered in red on the floor. There are two people, hands in hands and a writing :  


‘I’m sorry. I couldn’t make it’

;

[A year later]

Renjun places the sunflowers infront of the grave which says Na Jaemin. He cleans the dust, removes the dead flowers. The weather is nice today, not too sunny or gloomy.

“Hi Nana, I’m here. I hope that you are happy right now” Renjun says “It has been a year already. Many things has changed. I’m fine these days. Nothing happened much. You told me not to say sorry to you but I can’t. I’m sorry”

“Fate hates us. And so does the God, right, Jaemin ? The day you left, Death scratches my heart. It hurted a lot. I cried like a baby, Jaemin ah. I didn’t know what happened. I didn’t know why I was feeling empty. And then I saw you, my memory came back but sadly it was the last time. You were buried under few meters underground. I continued to cry at the funeral. Everyone was calming me but I couldn’t. It felt like a knife stabbed my heart. I guess that it is the price that I have to pay for making you become like this” Renjun leans onto the grave and looks at the sky.

“You once told me that if I am the sun, you will be the sunflower. You told me that I was bright like the sun and you would do anything to see my smile. I didn’t fully understand back then. But I do now” Renjun smiles “You, as a sunflower, need me more than anything else, or you will die. You will always look at me, wherever you are. You are willingly to do anything for me. But I, as the sun, don’t need you that much. There are thousand of other sunflowers out there. If you are gone, it doesn’t hurt me. But I think that it is wrong”

“I think that we both should be sunflowers. Maybe in another dimension, we are real sunflowers, standing next to each other. Even if we are left, we will never feel lonely, because we have each other” Renjun holds up a sunflower. It is beautiful under the sunshine “Maybe in another life, we will have each other again. We will laugh, do crazy things together, watch the sky or wandering until midnight. We will live our youth once again, without missing any moments”

“I love you, Nana. I’m sorry about everything. I was stupid. I was the reason. I know I can’t do anything now” Renjun turns his head to look at the grave “I know that you will not like it when I cry so I’ll try not to. You are precious, Nana. Living the rest of my life without you will be a challenge but I won’t give up. I need to pay the debt for everything you have done for me”

“It won’t be too long. Hope that you will always smile up there” Renjun whispers to the grave “Please, wait for me.”

;

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading this.  
> Please leave comments about what u think and what i should improve  
> Luv u <3

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you so much for reading it <3  
> My curious cat


End file.
